Why This Rarely Used Query Technique Could Be Your Secret Weapon

But it's not for the faint of heart

You’ve read dozens of sample queries, you’ve digested hundreds of tips (often contradictory, darn it), and you’ve chosen each word of your letter as carefully as a Michelin chef chooses tomatoes for a caprese salad.

But there’s one infrequently used technique that can elevate your query to dizzying heights. Use it and potential agents might choke on their oat milk lattes and say, “I must have this author now!”

Maybe your results won’t be that dramatic, but it’s possible this technique will earn you more partial and full requests. Be forewarned: It’s risky. Take a gander at this:

One week ago, Claire's cousin Dinah slit her wrists.
Five days ago, Claire found Dinah's diary and discovered why.
Three days ago, Claire stopped crying and came up with a plan.
Two days ago, she ditched her piercings and bleached the black dye from her hair.
Yesterday, knee socks and uniform plaid became a predator's camouflage.
Today, she'll find the boy who broke Dinah.
By tomorrow, he'll wish he was dead.

The above is an excerpt from a query letter from the late Janet Reid’s Query Shark site, and she adored it because the menacing voice and suspenseful description matches the tone of the manuscript.

The author doesn’t even have to say this is YA suspense; the description speaks for itself. Even more importantly, this example contains crucial story elements: the inciting incident (the suicide), the desire (to avenge her cousin), and the antagonist (the boy). Stakes are implied. (Likely there’s danger associated with this.)

FURTHER READING: “The Elements Every Story Must Have”

Most authors would use a description similar to this one: “After her cousin slits her wrist, Claire discovers a diary entry about a boy who motivated the suicide. She decides to make him pay.

Be forewarned. Not everyone is a fan of voice-driven queries. Former agent Mary Kole prefers a more businesslike query, and that’s because voice-driven letters can backfire. Sometimes the author comes off as trying too hard, and I’ve heard many agents say they don’t want a query written in the POV of the main character. Like this:

My name is Jenna and I’m dating the world’s hottest man. I’m talking ghost pepper hot, baby. When you read our adventures, make sure you have the AC turned down to artic levels or you might spontaneously combust.

Even though it’s common for many back cover book descriptions to be written in first person, it’s probably too cutesy for a query letter.

But, as a person who has read a lot of query letters over the years, sometimes they all blur together so it’s refreshing to come across something like this:

First zit. First crush. First … mermaid’s tail? Jade feels like enough of a freak-of-nature when she gets her first period at almost fifteen. She doesn’t need to have it happen at the mall while trying on that XL tankini she never wanted to buy in the first place. And she really doesn’t need to run into Luke Martin in the Feminine Hygiene Products aisle while her dad Googles “menstruation” on his Blackberry.

The above is a query excerpt for the novel Real Mermaids Don’t Wear Toe Rings by Hélène Boudreau from author Patrick Bohan’s site. I’m immediately drawn in.

How can you write a voice-driven query that’s not off-putting?

Consider using a hooky first sentence or tagline in your description. Most query descriptions end up sounding the same because they begin with the protagonist’s name: “Jade just got her first period and because she’s a mermaid, she has special challenges.

FURTHER READING: Release the Power of Your Novel’s Hook

Also, specific details add a sense of voice: Boudreau tosses in fun details like XL tankini, googling on a Blackberry (the book came out in 2010) and Feminine Hygiene Products.

Pay attention to tone: Terse sentences if you’re querying a thriller, some formality of language if you’re querying a Regency romance, and a touch of humor if your novel is funny.

Speaking of queries, I have one query letter critique spot left for January. I also have one beta read spot left and one submission package left. For more info, message me and check out my rates here. As for the other services, I likely can always fit those in.

THIS WEEK IN PITCHING

LOST IN THE SUMMER OF '69, in which a soon-to-be empty-nester's mother—who was recently diagnosed with Alzheimer's—goes missing, leading her to enlist the help of her withdrawn, college-aged daughter on a road trip to track down grandma at a series of music festivals that popped up across the country that summer, where they discover that she has been dubbed the Dame of Rock n' Roll.

A great pitch like this opens the mind to so many possibilities. Three generations of women (imagine the potential for conflict), fish-out-water elements (musical festivals have a fun, distinctive culture), and nostalgia for a tumultuous time period. Chef’s kiss!

I DID NOT KILL MY HUSBAND, pitched as a fresh take on The Fugitive, in which a Beverly Hills lifestyle influencer sentenced to life in prison for the murder of her husband is now on the run in the rugged Sierra Nevada after the van taking her to prison splits in half in a fatal accident, and she is assisted by a couple of off-grid preppers and pursued by a US Marshal and an increasingly admiring sheriff.

I admire a title that works this hard, giving you a sense of the genre as well as the central conflict. A lifestyle influencer in rugged terrain on the run? I’m there! Looks like there’s a also a found family element with the preppers, and the antagonists are thick on the ground. (Also love that one of the antagonists is becoming a fan!)

NEWS YOU CAN USE

It happened. Tiktok’s went dark but, oops, now it’s back. The New York Times discusses how publishing will move forward or maybe they won’t have to. Gift link.

WONDERFULLY useful post from

Cassie Mannes Murray

. To catch an agent’s attention, you need to know how books are publicized and how to position yours in a crowded marketplace.